Stunned, you find your child’s third quarter report card under his bed. Your child told you he got an A, but the teacher’s report shows a lower grade. A much lower grade.  You are horrified, not about the grade, but about the lying.  Refrain from running straight to school and yanking him out of class to confront him.

Lying is not uncommon in childhood. For very young children, “lying” is a normal part of developmental. Preschool children are at the developmental stage where they exaggerate and tell tall tales. Preschoolers rarely have a hidden agenda and truly believe in their fantasies.

Beyond the preschool age, there often is a hidden agenda. “There is a reason behind their lies,” says Pennsylvania based Buckingham Friends School teacher of over 25 years, Nancy Sandberg. Try to figure out your child’s underlying reason for lying. During elementary school children have developed a sense of right and wrong. They begin to lie to avoid disappointing a parent, to avoid a perceived punishment, or for attention. In their teens, kids protect their privacy and begin to separate their identity from their parents. Teens may lie because they are afraid of losing face with peers or in order to get something they want. A lying teen may also be covering up underlying problems such as alcoholism.

Before talking to your child about his lying, clear your head of anger. An emotionally charged confrontation will end up in a blow-up rather than a rational discussion. If he lies when you talk to him, state that you are not sure that he is telling the truth and plan a later time to discuss the issue. Also, do not ask your child questions to which you already know the answer and avoid giving him a reason to lie further. In the report card example, when your child comes home, do not ask him where his report card is or if he had seen his grades. Instead, start the conversation with facts: “I found your report card. I see that your grades are not what you said they would be. I am concerned because you hid the truth from me. Let’s talk about it.”

Sometimes anger may impede your ability or your child’s ability to have a rational discussion. Wait until things cool down or have an objective third party present during your conversation. In your discussion, give your child an alternative to lying. For instance, if she is concerned about your reaction to a grade, tell her to go to another adult first, such as a teacher, if the situation reoccurs and they can approach you together. Talk about how your child would feel if someone lied to her. Discussing a book with a protagonist who lied can give your child a way to indirectly discuss her own situation. And reassure, reassure, reassure her that in no way does the incident diminish your love for her.

Keep in mind, most episodes of lying are isolated incidents. However, a child who chronically lies and also shows negativity and hostility or defiance towards adults should be evaluated by a health care professional. For more information, click on the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s site www.aacap.org.

Sandberg proudly recalls a child whom she worked with years ago. At the beginning of the school year, the child lied about his school work. Later, the child went on to play Hercules in the school play. Sandberg and the child talked about how like Hercules, he had struggled, but because he faced his challenges head-on, he turned into a hero.

Naline Lai, MD with Julie Kardos, MD

©2011 Two Peds in a Pod®

“I am not asking for my child to be the life of the party, or a social butterfly. I just want her to be happy and have some friends of her own. She is a wonderful kid, and I hope someday others can see that.”                                -Scott Bellini, Ph.D.

Does your child spend recess walking around by himself?  Does he lack play dates with kids after school and on the weekends?  Is it shyness or something more? 

Possessing good social skills is important for our children.  However, in today’s fast moving, highly technological society, we are seeing an increase in the number of children with social skill deficits.  Children may be simply be shy or may have true difficulties relating and socializing with others.  Experiencing some social pain from being teased or left out once in awhile can be normal.  However, some children are at risk for serious psychological damage because of ongoing rejection or bullying.  The “at risk” group may eventually suffer from a number of different problems including: anxiety, depression, loneliness, aggression, even suicide or homicide.

Social competence is the topic of conversation among parents and professionals around the country as more and more children are reported to be socially struggling and awkward. Good social skills have been shown in studies to be a better indicator of future success than straight ‘A’s. The socially awkward child is often regarded as the “misfit”:  annoying, rejected and ridiculed by peers. Below are some tips to help children develop social skills

.Consider these techniques:

• Listen to children with the “third ear,” i.e., active listening, not only to the words they say, but the feelings they are expressing.
  
  
  
  
  • If your child is talking to a peer, watch for her non-verbal cues.  Help her develop strong non-verbal cues (stand close but not too close, look person in the eye but don’t stare, act interested even when you aren’t)

• Initiate and practice pro-social skills at home, including:

• How to initiate, maintain, and end a conversation
  
• The art of negotiation — how to get what you want appropriately
  
• How to be appropriately assertive without being overly aggressive
  
• How to give and receive compliments
  
• How to respond to teasing by peers
  
• How to accept constructive criticism

Here are other ways in helping children who may feel rejected or lonely:

Ask teachers, friends and other parents what they see when they observe your child interacting with peers or classmates.

Provide a variety of group opportunities.
Church groups, scouts, drama club, sports teams – these all provide an alternative to school as a place for a child to make friends and gain acceptance.

Don’t go back to school yourself!
Resist the temptation to march onto the playground and yell at the big kids for picking on your child. Resist the urge to gossip about other moms in the parking lot after school.

Always intervene if one child is made a scapegoat or is ostracized by the group.
Help that child learn how to fit in and, more importantly, help the group be more empathic and kind.

Give shy children a gentle push to try new social challenges.
They need lots of support and encouragement as they push out of their “comfort zone.” If a child is shy but would like to make a friend, it can help to invite over a classmate and the classmate’s parents; the kids will find the adults boring and, eventually, go off to play together.

Help the child find other children who have similar interests.

If your child likes to play chess or build with legos, sign them up for the chess club or look into camp programs that focus on your child’s interests.  They are bound to meet other kids that share their interests.

Teach socially awkward children basic skills for getting along. 

Examples include: how to guess what other people are feeling, how to join a group, and how to make friends.

Make sure the child pays attention to personal hygiene.  This is so important because kids are big on first impressions.  Why give another reason for others to make fun of them!  If your child doesn’t wash or comb her hair, it will be noticed.  Make sure your child bathes regularly and wears deodorant, if needed- kids are sensitive and often intolerant of body odor. Also make sure the child grooms those not-so-obvious areas, including cleaning her ears and clipping her fingernails and toenails.  It may not seem so important to your child, but others will notice!

Children who have suffered repeated rejection and isolation are at risk for more serious difficulties.  Please seek professional help for these children!

Amy King, MA, CCC/SLP; owner and facilitator of “Making Friends” A Social Communication Training Program, email makingfriendspa@yahoo.com

Sources:

Building Social Relationships: A Systematic Approach to Teaching Social Interaction Skills to Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders and Other Social Difficulties, by Scott Bellini.—1^st Edition, Shawnee Mission, KS: Autism Asperger Publishing Co. 2006.

Best Friends, Worst Enemies, by Michael Thompson, Catherine O’Neill Grace and Lawrence Cohen, Ballantine Books, 2001. Explores children’s social relationships and how to help kids deal with peer problems.

Mom, They’re Teasing Me, by Michael Thompson , Lawrence J. Cohen Ph.D., Catherine O’Neill Grace. The range of difficulties children face in social situations, from bullying and name-calling to rejection and socialization is the focus of this primer for parents, with specific tips on how to deal with these issues.

©2011 Two Peds in a Pod®